(…Continued from last week…)
RD: Again, point taken. But can I just get this straight? Are you saying that whether we have a hell experience or a heaven experience has nothing whatsoever to do with how we conduct ourselves during our lives?
GOD: Yeah, pretty funny huh?
RD: Could you at least explain why that is?
GOD: Do you know how hard it would be to judge every little aspect of every single person’s life? I’d just be making arbitrary decisions anyway, and besides, I really just don’t care that much about you people.
RD: That seems kind of callous.
GOD: Yeah well, it sucks to be you.
RD: Apparently. Maybe we should just move along to the next subject.
GOD: Sure. By the way, I feel I should tell you that I find it extremely insulting that you’ve put your comments in bold, while mine are all in regular font. I really feel it should be the other way around. I am God after all.
RD: Sorry, but it says right in the contract you signed that I get to be in bold and you don’t.
GOD: Remind me to fire my lawyer.
RD: You have a lawyer?
GOD: Well, he’s kind of a lawyer-slash-angel of death.
RD: Wow. How long do you have to go to school for that?
GOD: Well, it takes four years of undergraduate work, three years of law school, and a few days of on the job training with Jack Kervorkian.
RD: Ouch.
GOD: Actually, it’s supposed to be quite peaceful.
RD: No, I meant…never mind. Let me ask you this though. What form do you take? Are you just infinite blob of intelligence, or do you have a physical form?
GOD: Actually, I take human form and visit the earth all the time. I’m in North America at least once a week, and most you have probably seen me on TV.
RD: Really? Are you a religious or political leader of some kind?
GOD: No, actually, I’m Roger Ebert.
RD: Somehow, that makes perfect sense. And yet I’m also a little surprised that you didn’t pick somebody with a little more…I don’t know…clout.
GOD: Like who?
RD: Well, what about the president of the United States of America?
GOD: Are you kidding? We’re talking about a society that spends more time reading movie reviews before it goes to see a movie than it does learning about politicians before they vote for them, assuming they vote at all. No, the sad fact of the matter is that I can reach a hell of a lot more people as Roger Ebert than I could as George W. Bush. And besides, I really like movies.
RD: Fair enough. So what kinds of movies would you say are your favourites?
GOD: I tend to like movies that examine the human condition, and that take on tough issues and really make you think about them.
RD: Like what?
GOD: Have you ever seen Show Girls?
RD: Show Girls? That movie was fucking horrible!
GOD: True, but it also had lots of hot, naked chicks.
RD: I see your point. You know I can’t believe they don’t have a category for that on Oscar Night.
GOD: I’m working on it.
RD: Outstanding. So, speaking of awards, it says here in your press kit that you just recently won an award for best Supreme Being in a leading role involving the creation of the universe.
GOD: Actually, it was just a participation badge. The panel didn’t think it was fair to give me an award per se, given that there wasn’t really any competition.
RD: Still, that has to be insulting.
GOD: Normally, yes, that would be insulting, but in this particular case I have to admit that I did pretty much half-ass my way through the last few billion years or so. And besides, it’ll look good on my mantle next to me Clio Award.
RD: You have a Clio Award?
GOD: Not yet, but I’m hoping for one. My popularity isn’t exactly at an all time high these days, and it’s largely because I’m having a hard time connecting with today’s youth. I’m hoping to come up with a fresh, hip ad campaign to draw in the MTV generation.
RD: It’s not worth it. Trust me.
GOD: Yeah, you’re probably right. They’d probably just confuse having faith in a higher power with being stoned, or being on anti-depressants, or snacking endlessly on products made with Olestra.
RD: You said it. Well, it looks like it’s just about time to wrap this interview up. Do you have any message for atheists?
GOD: What would be the point?
RD: Right. Well, thanks for your time.
GOD: No problem, I have an infinite amount of it.
