CENTRAL CITY – Dr. Peter Geligo, a representative for the Ministry of Healthcare, has informed the New Faykland Sun-Times-Herald-Star that the system is near its breaking point due to an unprecedented rash of toe stubbings.
“You heard me,” said Geligo, “we’ve been inundated with so many bruised, battered, and broken toes in the last 48 hours that the entire medical system is near the point of collapse.”
Although many New Fayklanders have been able to receive treatment for their stubbed toes, untold thousands more have been informed that, at least for now, they will simply have to hop around on one foot and mutter, “fuck, fuck, fuck” under their breath until somebody is able to see them.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” agreed a nearby woman has she hopped around in circles on her one good foot in the emergency room at Lou Ferrigno Memorial, Central City’s second biggest hospital.
It is believed that the unforeseen wave of toe stubbings is the result of the revival of an almost forgotten New Faykland tradition: Fire Hydrant Kicking. In Fire Hydrant Kicking, two or more participants take turns kicking a fire hydrant as hard as they can until blood starts coming through the toe of their shoe or until one of them starts crying or falls unconscious from the pain.
When asked why she had made the incredibly foolish decision to help try to revive the tradition, the hopping woman said, simply, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
The tradition started in 1942 when an unidentified man somehow managed to set his shoe on fire trying to impress a young woman and ended up trying to kick the nut off a fire hydrant in order to extinguish his shoe-fire. Although he managed to get the nut off and put the fire out, he later became the first New Fayklander to die from a stubbed toe. Since then, there have been eight thousand, three hundred and forty nine fatalities linked to Fire Hydrant Kicking, which is largely why the tradition died out in the first place.
Authorities are suggesting that people refrain from kicking fire hydrants for recreational purposes.
