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  The New Faykland Sun Times Herald Star  

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  • New Faykland Healthcare System Overwhelmed by Rash of Toe Stubbings
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  • New Japanese History Textbooks Claim Pearl Harbour Attacked Japanese Planes
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  • New Faykland Man Lands Airplane on Highway, Embarrasses Wife
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  • Super Bowl Halftime Show Shocker: McCartney Whips it Out, Rubs it All Over 8 x 10 Glossy of Laura Bush
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  • New Faykland Personal Ads - January 2005
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  • Bread Makers Rush to Pack Breads with More Grains than Competitors, Legislators Appeal for Calm

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    Open Letters
    Open Letter to Anyone Who Might be Interested in Joining My Cult |

    Dear Anyone Who Might Be Interested in Joining My Cult,

     

    Do you feel lost and alone, like when your mom “accidentally” traded you to one of your neighbours for a toaster oven when you were five?  Do you fell hurt and confused, like when your father told you he didn’t love you anymore because he could no longer claim you as a dependant?  Do you feel angry and betrayed, like when you thought you had won that free coke but it turned out the contest was already over?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I just might be able to help you. 

     

    On the other hand, I might not.  Don’t get me wrong; I’d be more than willing to buy you a coke if I thought that would make you feel better, but that other stuff to do with your parents is probably best left to professionals.  After all, I’m just a guy who works at a bookstore.  Still, severe emotional problems aren’t necessarily a barrier to becoming a member of my cult.

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    Raging Fables
    The Cow, the Pig, and the Barbecue |

     

    A cow got an invitation from his friend, the pig, to come to a barbecue.  When the cow showed up, the pig was already sitting down and enjoying a gin and tonic.

     

    “Where were you?” asked the pig.

     

    “I didn’t know I was late,” replied the cow.

     

    “No problem,” said the pig.  “After all, it isn’t every day I get invited to a barbecue.”

     

    “What do you mean?” asked the cow.

     

    “I mean it isn’t every day I get invited to a barbecue,” replied the pig, without really clarifying his position, at least as far as the cow could tell.

     

    “But you invited me,” said the cow, who was very confused.

     

    “What are you talking about?” asked the pig. 

     

    “I got an invitation from you to come to a barbecue today,” replied the cow, who was really starting to wonder what was going on.

     

    “Wait a minute,” said the pig.  Didn’t you invite me to a barbecue today?”

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    The Continuing & Semi-Biblical Adventures Of Stu
    Chapter 11 - Stu Sees a Man About an Apartment |

    Look for a new chapter of The Continuing and Semi-Biblical Adventures of Stu Soon!

    24.   Stu then turned the lights off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on one last time, after which he turned unto Phil and said, “Well, no problems there, not counting the fact that this place is somewhat of a shit-hole.”

    25.   And Stu then looked unto the floor, and he saw that a thick layer of dust covered it.  And he saw that in and amongst the dust there were raisins.

    26.   And Stu turned to Phil, and he did say unto him, “Why is the place so dusty?  And why in God’s name, which, by the way, appears to be Tony Danza, are there raisins on the floor?”

    27.   And Phil looked unto Stu, and he shrugged his shoulders, and he said unto him, “How the fuck should I know?”

    28.   And Stu suggested unto Phil that as he was the landlord, and that as he had promised to have the place cleaned, the reason for it being unclean was probably the kind of thing that he should at least have some sort of a fucking clue about.

    29.   But Phil said unto Stu that the place had in fact been cleaned, and that the only real problem was that Stu obviously had unrealistically high standards when it came to the cleanliness of apartments.

    30.   And for a moment, Stu considered punching Phil in the ear so as to indicate that he was intolerant of bullshit, but rather he did simply choose to pick up one of the raisins, so as to indicate that floors that had recently been cleaned tended not to be covered with raisins.

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    Raging Poetry

    The Coldest Day | 5/17/2005 1:34 PM

    Icy daggers pierce my heart

    While I bathe in the cold light of her death stare

    Her shrill complaints freeze my soul

    And my testicles

    Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Swish!

    I duck and weave to avoid the mug, the cordless phone, and the letter opener

    Tick-Toc, Tick-Toc, Thwack!

    I catch a small, heavy clock

    With my forehead

    What time is it?

    Why time to cauterize the wound, of course!

    But what’s this?

    My love holds in her supple hands a two by four

    Not the face!  Not the face!

    Okay, the face it is.

    I can’t believe I forgot her birthday

    Again

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    Raging Horoscopes

    Sagittarius Sagittarius
    November 22 - December 21

    You love to travel. It might be because of the freedom of the open road, it might be because of the feeling of infinite possibilities at each new place you visit, or it could be because of the three dozen bounty hunters chasing you across the country.

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    This Week In History
    Henry Ford Unleashes the Unholy Forces of Assembly Line Production |  2/3/2005 2:42 PM

    WHEN:  January 14th, 1914

    WHERE:  USA

    WHAT:  Henry Ford introduces the assembly line to manufacture Model T. Fords, thereby revolutionizing humankind's ability to destroy the environment and develop respiratory diseases.

     

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