|
|
|
Open Letter to Anyone Who Might be Interested in Joining My Cult |
2/16/2006 6:12:47 PM
Dear Anyone Who Might Be Interested in Joining My Cult,
Do you feel lost and alone, like when your mom “accidentally” traded you to one of your neighbours for a toaster oven when you were five? Do you fell hurt and confused, like when your father told you he didn’t love you anymore because he could no longer claim you as a dependant? Do you feel angry and betrayed, like when you thought you had won that free coke but it turned out the contest was already over? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I just might be able to help you.
On the other hand, I might not. Don’t get me wrong; I’d be more than willing to buy you a coke if I thought that would make you feel better, but that other stuff to do with your parents is probably best left to professionals. After all, I’m just a guy who works at a bookstore. Still, severe emotional problems aren’t necessarily a barrier to becoming a member of my cult.
|
|
More
|
|
|
|
The Cow, the Pig, and the Barbecue |
6/4/2005 |
|
A cow got an invitation from his friend, the pig, to come to a barbecue. When the cow showed up, the pig was already sitting down and enjoying a gin and tonic.
“Where were you?” asked the pig.
“I didn’t know I was late,” replied the cow.
“No problem,” said the pig. “After all, it isn’t every day I get invited to a barbecue.”
“What do you mean?” asked the cow.
“I mean it isn’t every day I get invited to a barbecue,” replied the pig, without really clarifying his position, at least as far as the cow could tell.
“But you invited me,” said the cow, who was very confused.
“What are you talking about?” asked the pig.
“I got an invitation from you to come to a barbecue today,” replied the cow, who was really starting to wonder what was going on.
“Wait a minute,” said the pig. Didn’t you invite me to a barbecue today?”
|
|
|
More
|
|
|
|
Chapter 11 - Stu Sees a Man About an Apartment |
1/15/2004 |
Look for a new chapter of The Continuing and Semi-Biblical Adventures of Stu Soon!
24. Stu then turned the lights off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on one last time, after which he turned unto Phil and said, “Well, no problems there, not counting the fact that this place is somewhat of a shit-hole.”
25. And Stu then looked unto the floor, and he saw that a thick layer of dust covered it. And he saw that in and amongst the dust there were raisins.
26. And Stu turned to Phil, and he did say unto him, “Why is the place so dusty? And why in God’s name, which, by the way, appears to be Tony Danza, are there raisins on the floor?”
27. And Phil looked unto Stu, and he shrugged his shoulders, and he said unto him, “How the fuck should I know?”
28. And Stu suggested unto Phil that as he was the landlord, and that as he had promised to have the place cleaned, the reason for it being unclean was probably the kind of thing that he should at least have some sort of a fucking clue about.
29. But Phil said unto Stu that the place had in fact been cleaned, and that the only real problem was that Stu obviously had unrealistically high standards when it came to the cleanliness of apartments.
30. And for a moment, Stu considered punching Phil in the ear so as to indicate that he was intolerant of bullshit, but rather he did simply choose to pick up one of the raisins, so as to indicate that floors that had recently been cleaned tended not to be covered with raisins. |
More
|
 |
|
The Coldest Day | 5/17/2005 1:34 PM
Icy daggers pierce my heart
While I bathe in the cold light of her death stare
Her shrill complaints freeze my soul
And my testicles
Whoosh! Whoosh! Swish!
I duck and weave to avoid the mug, the cordless phone, and the letter opener
Tick-Toc, Tick-Toc, Thwack!
I catch a small, heavy clock
With my forehead
What time is it?
Why time to cauterize the wound, of course!
But what’s this?
My love holds in her supple hands a two by four
Not the face! Not the face!
Okay, the face it is.
I can’t believe I forgot her birthday
Again
More
|
|
|
